“Love is where…
“Love is where you find it.” – Kurt Vonnegut, Slapstick (1976)
If you listen carefully, you might be able to hear, in the hazy moments of the dawn creeping in when the world is still quiet, and half-asleep, in between two breaths, the sound of my heart breaking.
I have irrevocably fallen in love with a city, with a culture, with a people, with a food, a language, a life. It has been a dream these last few months and it is slowly breaking my heart to know that I am running out of time.
Don’t go looking for love, allow it to creep in slowly, inhale it into the deepest part of your soul, and with eyes wide open you will find it. This is the gift that Paris has given to me. I have lived, and gambled to win, and taken advantage of opportunities, and thrown caution to the wind, because I can, because I am here, because I want to. Because because because.
And it is enough.
And it is not enough, not yet.
Perhaps not ever.
I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I wouldn’t want to.
My sister arrives in Paris today, and as such this leg – this chapter – of this story is now ending. And so soon we will be two. This is not to say that I don’t love nor treasure my sister, but allow me to be selfish for a moment.
There is less than a month left in Paris, and while there is plenty and enough time to do everything that I want or yet to do, I now will have my sister at my side. Everything takes on a new perspective a new dynamic, something subtly shifts in the universe and there is no going back. We wake up from our dreams, we grow up; there is no Peter Pan at our window. (This doesn’t stop me from wishing in my heart of hearts however) We move on, we learn to love and live and breathe again.
People say,”You’ll come back to Paris”, but how true is that really? Life is a crazy roller coaster of a ride and while I can never hope to adequately nor precisely sum up what these past few months has meant to me outside of someone who has shared my experiences, I can only hope that in a future life I will return.
I know that many of the kids that I met at the Alliance Francaise I will never see again – many I hope to – and yet even in the few hours that we spent, inside the classroom or outside, I have loved them well and wish them the best in their endeavours. Yesterday was my last class, and when I went to fencing practice my heart was already breaking at the thought that I won’t see many of them again. Gentle and wonderful people, always greeting with a smile and a kiss, and already I am thinking of how to say goodbye. I will take a picture of my club, and try to get as many of them in the picture as possible.
Goodbyes are hard. But perhaps it is not goodbye so much as “Au Revoir”.
And so my time in Paris alone concludes. Yet I wait for whatever adventures the next corner may bring. There is still a month in Paris – and whatever trips out of there we may make, Budapest, Italy, etc.
Surely they will be as wonderful as my time here has proven to be. And now I’ve the added pleasure of my sister’s company to enjoy.
While I wait for the hour to strike to leave to get her, I will watch the Cannes Film Festival coverage.